There are a few serious things that bug me about being chronically ill. Most of them are keeping me from being the once carefree and spontaneous person I once was....
1. Type A personality. It's been forced on me. I always have to plan ahead about where my next meal in coming from. Do I have bananas and oatmeal left at home? Who ate my last avocado? Will my Vitamin Water last me through the weekend or do I need to go now? If I don't plan ahead and can't get to these very necessary items, it's not just a simple substitute. It means the difference between severe dehydration which will put me in the hospital. It's also weird explaining that to people. It doesn't seem like its a big deal, but it is. I hate for it to seem controlling and neurotic. "Please, don't eat the last of the mashed potatoes, yes it is life and death."
2. Needle sticks. Actually not the needle sticks so much, those have never bothered me, even as a kid. What REALLY is annoying is when the sticky from the tape AFTER the needle stick is stuck to your skin for days. That shit is NOT easy to scratch off. It's either look like a dirtball or scratch like you got fleas! Or pull off all your hair, health insurance covers arm hair waxing now! But only in the crook.
3. Googling medication side effects. Is that pain all in my head or is it a side effect of my latest med? Luckily, I'm off all meds right now, so this feels like a distant memory. But I still get pains now and then, and I have a quick thought of, is this a serious pain or a passing non-issue?
4. Googling everything. Every since scouring the internet for every remedy under the sun, I have found I can't just sit and simply wonder "Why?" about something. I need to know the answer, and Google can get me there.
5. Conspiracy theorists. This has resulted from the constant Googling. Searching for answers when there really aren't any available leads to stumbling across many different theories on what causes IBD, and chronic illnesses in general. Being chronically ill put you in front of a lot of doctors, and I feel sad that I can't fully trust them now because they haven't been able to fix me like doctors are supposed to. This discontent stems from seeds of doubt planted in me from conspiracy theories about the pharmaceutical and healthcare industry. I certainly don't believe them all, or even most of them, but a shred of doubt is still there. That has led to doubts about authority and life as we know it! What's real? What information can we trust? It's so much that I can't help but laugh! And then I shut my brain off.
6. The fact that I can't put my experience on my resume. I think the ability to juggle doctors' appointments, health insurance coordination, housework, disease maintenance, Google research and a full time job on top of all that has proven some incredibly multitasking and coordination skills. And I should probably add health consultation because now everyone comes to me for advice whenever they have a bout of diarrhea too. I think all this makes me fully capable to become a CEO, or at least a COO of some huge corporation.
Enough of my ramblings... What bothers you, my chronically ill friends?
